California Zombie Drivers

Honey?? Does Allstate count this as "mayhem"?

As I’m sure you already know, it’s the second annual National Distracted Driving Awareness Month! I wish that was some kind of April Fools joke, but nope. It’s real. Our government hard at work.

This year, to bring awareness to the fact that texting while driving isn’t the safest idea, Sacramento has decided to unleash hundreds of people in zombie make-up to roam the sidewalks on their cell phones. Because nothing teaches people to pay attention to the road better than filling the sidewalks up with people in zombie make-up.

Yeah officer. I was a bit distracted when I rolled through that intersection. But it wasn’t from my cell phone, I thought I saw a F**KING ZOMBIE!!

Brilliant. Glad my tax dollars are funding this.

As much as I agree that texting while driving isn’t that safe. The claim that working your handset while driving turns you into a zombie driver is bogus. I only sort of want to eat people when I text and drive. If they really wanted us to pay attention to the road, they’d legalize limo tint and get rid of those electronic, flashing billboards.

And as big a fan I am of co-opting the zombie meme to push an agenda (THE APOCALYPSE IS COMING! THE APOCALYPSE IS COMING!), this correlation between zombies and distracted drivers doesn’t sit well with me. They’re not using zombies to teach us to be more responsible drivers, they’re using them as a reminder that this country is simultaneously becoming both a Nanny and Police State – as evidenced by the driver interviewed at the end of the video who was pulled over, not for texting while driving, but for simply hanging up his phone while driving.

And if there’s one thing I know about zombies, it’s that they don’t like to be controlled and would in no way condone being associated with this ridiculous money-grabbing scheme posing as a safety law. Ugh. Laws upon laws upon laws upon laws. I imagine at some point we’re all gonna snap. And in the transitional fight to regain our liberties, S may hit the F. We could see some major fallout. A government shutdown apocalypse. As intriguing as that sounds on paper, I still hope for zombies.

Check out the video below or click here for the local news report.

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Adam Hammer is a comedian from Los Angeles. When he’s not writing zombie killing pieces on HFZ, he’s killing audiences on comedy stages. Follow Adam on Twitter. Like him on Facebook. Check out his Tour Schedule.


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