My grandpa always used to tell me he could fix anything. All he needed was bailing wire and duct tape. And I took that advice to heart. Last time my “Check Engine” light came on I wrapped my entire engine block in heavy duty duct tape. Needless to say my mechanic hates me.
Forget the bailing wire, duct tape will be an essential tool in any survival situation. Other websites might give you the obvious uses – patching radiator hoses, sealing windows, patching holes in clothing. Really? Holes in clothing? If I’ve learned anything from watching apocalypse shows and movies it’s that the grocery stores will be empty, but the department stores will be stacked to the ceiling with brand new clothing. Don’t be the dipshit wearing a duct tape t-shirt. Be the dipshit in a brand new Ed Hardy shirt.
Think outside of the box people.
To help you avoid wasting your precious time (and even more precious duct tape) during the apocalypse, here are a few practical uses for this silvery savior.
You could use duct tape to patch a hole in your tent. Sure. But that just leaves the possibility open to more holes in your tent. Which means more repairs. Which leaves you vulnerable to attack and eventually out of duct tape. Why not avoid the hassle of future holes and make an entire tent out of duct tape? Nice. Throw some dead leaves in an old paper bag and you’ve got a nice, cushiony pillow – as soon as you wrap that bag in some duct tape.
RIFLE STRAP (video)
I don’t know about you but, I only have 2 hands. And until the radioactive fallout of a nuclear winter turns me into an octopus, that’s the most I’ll have. The last thing I want to do when I’m scavenging to survive is ever have to put my rifle down. A sling is essential to keep that gun handy but free your hands up to carry wood, set up camp, or braid my hair. That’s right, I’m gonna have some sweet, silky hair! If your Made In China rifle sling ever snaps, you can always rig a sturdy sling out of duct tape.
Some people think guns are dangerous and should be outlawed. I call these people left wing pussies. You can’t protect your family with a picket sign! But as long as you have a few square inches of duct tape and a yard of twine, you can make yourself a kick-ass sling to chuck stones at 10 times the force your weakened vegetarian arms can throw. You can even substitute the twine for hemp if you want, hippie.
Ladies, just because you’re living in a forest doesn’t mean you have to grow one of your own. Keep those bikini lines in beach-going condition with a couple strips of all weather duct tape. Or tear off a longer strip for the full Brazilian and be the most popular girl in the refugee campsite. You’ll have your pick of the men when it comes to repopulating the planet.
Which brings me to…
Using a diaper for framing, cardboard for support and a dash of that survivalist know-how, all you need is some duct tape to bring it all together and you can be fighting off zombies from the front while the future of humanity hangs on your back, sucking on a bottle. Duct tape can also be applied over your baby’s mouth to silence the crying however this is NOT RECOMMENDED.
Marking off your territory lets intruders know not to fuck with you. Just ask my pug. After your base camp is set, use sticks and duct tape (sticky side out) to set up a makeshift perimeter fence. This will keep animals, humans and even zombies from entering your camp and stealing your supplies/brains under the dark of night. It will also double as a zombie fly-paper. This allows you to save your bullets and silently coup de grâce the ghoulish trespassers instead.
But not before you, your freshly waxed lady, and the baby on your back all share a hearty laugh while the zombies squirm like decaying marionettes in their duct tape trap.
Duct tape is an amazing, durable, multi-faceted necessity in any survival situation. From weapons to aluminum siding to radiator hoses to even airplanes, duct tape can fix anything. Well, anything except a broken home. So while all the amateurs are stock piling nonperishable foods and clean water, I’ll be filling my bunker floor to ceiling with duct tape and owning this apocalypse.
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Adam Hammer is a comedian from Los Angeles. When he’s not writing zombie killing pieces on HFZ, he’s killing audiences on comedy stages. Follow Adam on Twitter. Like him on Facebook. Check out his Tour Schedule.