5 People That’ll Get You Killed In The Zombie Apocalypse

A week has passed since the dead rose to prey on the living. You and your new allies have found a house to spend the night, and cleared it from attic to infested basement.

Night has fallen. The dead moan in the streets outside, and branches scratch at your board-and-blanket-covered windows. You are probably thinking about trying to get some sleep.

Nope. Sit right up and take a look at your team. Because if any of the following five types are sitting around the lantern, you are in deep shit, buddy. We’ve discussed the top picks for a team in What’s Your Fantasy Survival Team, so here are the people on the other end of the spectrum.

#5. Amateur Survivalists
How to Spot Them:
- Their bulletproof vest still has the price tag attached..
- Their idea of a high protein breakfast is ten Taco Bell burritos.
- They say “Come with me if you want to live,” then giggle to themselves.

Gonna survive through the might of Rock n Roll.

Why They’ll Get You Killed:
These chunky soldiers of fortune have been looking forward to the zombie apocalypse for years, but have done nothing to prepare for it. Carrying anything heavier than a conversation will tire them out, but man, will these guys talk. They’ll tell you how good they were at Left 4 Dead. They’ll show you their katana, which they’ve named, and insist that it’s perfect for “close quarter engagements”. Also, they’ll always, for some reason, smell like pee.

They are, in short, a distraction, and unless you’re looking forward to discussing whether anime is truly an art form while zombies tear you both to pieces, give this guy a gentle hug, a bag of Doritos, and wish him all the best.

#4. Holy Rollers
How to Spot Them:
- Scolds you for swearing when a zombie attacks.
- Brought a Bible, not bullets.
- “You’re heading out to look for food? I’ll pray for you.”

Repent and thou shall be eaten!

Why They’ll Get You Killed:
We understand that this one might seem mean. But you have to remember something: these chaps and chapettes believe that their god is testing them, and that everything is going to work out. Some of them might even be angry because, according to their scripture, they were supposed to be in Heaven by now, asking God to pass the popcorn and watching you get eaten by zombies and flaming hornets.

Don’t get us wrong. Everything might work out. But not if the person behind you is too busy watching the skies for a sign to notice the crawling dead man reaching out for your ankle.

#3. Rebuilders
How to Spot Them:
- Considers himself a “devil’s advocate”.
- Has lots of opinions about society, shares them when you’re trying to sleep.
- “I heard there’s a safe zone in INSERT POPULATION CENTER HERE. Let’s travel a hundred miles along the Interstate of the Damned to get there.”

Hey wait! I just want to help!

Why They’ll Get You Killed:
Similar to #4, this guy wants to reclaim civilization. Not that that’s a bad thing. But rebuilders are the politicians of the apocalypse; they love to argue. If your group is being chased by a horde, and you scream for everyone to head left, a rebuilder will call for a democratic vote, just to look like a leader.

We at HFZ firmly believe that society will be rebuilt after the inevitable apocalypse. But not by these guys. They have the same political impact as people who complain on Reddit when Mitt Romney is caught pissing on the homeless again.

#2. Students of the Dead
How to Spot Them:
- They have theories about what caused the zombie uprising.
- They are deeply interested in rumors of a cure.
- They are not in a fortified bunker and have no scientific training whatsoever.

So in conclusion, we're all going to die.

Why They’ll Get You Killed:
It’s human nature to look for meaning in tragedy. It’s human nature to hope.

Human nature can get your ass chewed off. What these guys don’t understand is that their life isn’t a TV show. Correctly guessing the zombie origin or finding a cure will not make things go back to the way they were. All that thinking will do is make their brains more supple and delicious, and guess who’s going to appreciate that.

#1. Anyone from the Cast and Crew of the Film “Zombieland”
How to Spot Them:
- Their name is on this list.
- Review the “Films Worked On” section of their resume for “Zombieland”.
- “Hi, my name is Woody Harrelson.”

Which one should we go with, impractical or unconventional?

Why They’ll Get You Killed:
This movie was a disaster. Yeah, okay, it was funny, but it makes Army of Darkness look like a fucking documentary on zombie survival tactics.

We can’t tell you how irritable this movie makes us. “Hey, let’s go shopping at a supermarket. Let’s hand over our guns to strangers. Let’s go to an indefensible amusement park because we believe it ‘has to be’ safe, and turn on the power. Let’s escape from the zombies in a ride that goes straight up and down.”

We recommend excluding anyone even remotely responsible for this train wreck from your group. And that goes for everyone except Bill Murray. If you run into that fine gentleman in the ruins, do your best to keep him safe.The future needs him.

 

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Gavin has written for Blizzard Entertainment and Cracked. His Twitter page, which he barely understands, is here.





 

 
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