3 Easy Urban Protein Sources

We all know that we’re not gonna be able to walk into a Burger King and order up a Whopper when society crumbles. We shouldn’t be doing it now. But WTF? They do it our way. I like options.

We also won’t be able to head over to our nearest free-range farmer either. Those hippies will have their goodies either locked up or traded for more important survival items. Like hemp shoes. So we’re left to fend for our own protein when the SHTF. Here are a couple of options for when you get sick of surviving off the pine needle tea Bear Grylls keeps shoving down our throats.

3. Birds aplenty!
Whether you’re living in an urban, suburban, or any area with a high-speed internet connection, pigeons have been bobbing around in hordes feasting on… I don’t know, asphalt? They’re slow, dark meat birds that are high in protein and low in fat. The jury’s still out on their mercury levels but nonetheless, with the right amount of salt and garlic, they’ll do in a pinch.

They gotta be easy to catch with a handful of saltines and a little ingenuity – or just spring for a BB gun and call it a day. Check out Honest-Food.net for recipes on how to cook ‘em up all gourmet-like. Then, at your next dinner party, laugh as your neighbors chow down on sky-varmint thinking it’s some kind of game hen.

Just don’t let Mike Tyson catch you.

2. Meeeeee-YOW!
I know, I know, you could never eat your precious Puss-Puss. Don’t think she’d return the favor. Cats have been known to eat their owners faces within a day of them being dead. And if I’ve learned anything from the feral cats in my alley, all it takes to trap one is a can of wet food and a little attention. I’m not saying you should practice now, but if you’re interested, I’ll tell you what neighborhood I live in. These wild cats keep pooping in the flower beds.

There may be more than one way to skin a cat, but I only found one delicious way to cook them. Braised. Feel free to make your own adjustments to the recipe depending on how many fresh herbs you may or may not have in your Bug-Out-Bag.

1. Man’s Best Friend Meal
This one has to be the toughest to stomach. Well, unless you include children. But the fine folks in the Philippines have a pretty sweet recipe that will have you calling “Fido”, Dinner. With some vinegar, onion, hot sauce, and a few basic spices you can turn that beggar at your feet into stew in your belly.

These loyal animals would do anything to protect you, so this is also a last resort. But what has that damn cat ever done for you but activate your allergies?

For those of you opposed to eating pets, there are some great recipes for animals like deer, bear, buffalo, boar, alligator and other non-human mammals you may run into out in the woods at Exotic Meats USA. Take a look and see what lightweight spices you can fit in your bag to help you become the Wolfgang Puck of post-apocalyptic society.

But for now, go eat a turkey sandwich while you can.

Did I leave off any meats? Let me know in the comments.

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Adam Hammer is a comedian from Los Angeles. When he’s not writing zombie killing pieces on HFZ, he’s killing audiences on comedy stages. Follow Adam on Twitter. Like him on Facebook. Check out his Tour Schedule.





 

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